How I Bedazzled David Sedaris

I didn't take this picture. Miss Eudora
wouldn't let me. Wish I had, 'cause that
would mean there was a monkey
there! (There wasn't.)
Photo from Off-Stage with Ken Stein.

So the other night, I bedazzled David Sedaris.

You might think that's an exaggeration - and, well, to be honest, it probably is. But the point is that it was his exaggeration, not mine.

He was in town for a reading. While most of the hundreds of folks in attendance would flock post-reading to buy books and have him sign them, I was among only a dozen or so who purchased a book pre-show, and joined the short line to meet the slight, smiling satirist. He sat at a folding table, surrounded by a large collection of signs warning against photographing the author - including one intimidating, massive poster of Miss Welty Herself, which read EUDORA SAYS NO PICTURES OF DAVID!

He was diminutive in stature, as I knew he would be from other eyewitness accounts, and seated behind the rickety folding table he seemed even smaller. But that wasn't the first thing I noticed about him. It was his voice - so familiar to me from audio books and This American Life - and the way he engaged everyone in conversation as he signed their books.

We were going to talk! Not just "Thanks for coming," but actual dialog! I had to prepare. I eavesdropped on the two conversations with David Sedaris that preceded my own. In both cases, he started by asking the other person: "So if you were in prison, what would your prison job be?"

"Um ... the chef?" said the girl ahead of me.

"Oh, great!" said David Sedaris. "What would your special prison menu item be?"

Girl: "Uh... I don't know."

David: "You could just give them cereal. LIFE cereal. Get it?"

Girl: "Uh, yeah. Thanks."

David: "Can you think of any prison-food puns?"

And when the girl couldn't, David rattled off a few himself. My heart soared.

OH MY GAWD DAVID SEDARIS LIKES PUNS.  I knew satire was his thing, but that's hard to do on the fly. Puns, though? I was raised on puns! I AM SO FREAKIN' IN.

My mind was racing: should I say chef, too? Because I can immediately think of some puns around prison food! Like, I could say I would implement a prison-wide healthier-eating program, and introduce SALAD (BEHIND) BARS? Or should I tell him I'd be a wrongly imprisoned writer, who was just there to do an expose-style story and wound up stuck behind bars ... "talk about a writer with a RUN ON SENTENCE"!!

It was my turn. I walked up to David Sedaris.

"Hello," he said pleasantly.

"Hi," I smiled back, ready to bring my punning A-game. Ask me about what my prison role would be. Wrongly imprisoned writer. Run-on-sentence. Writer's (Cell) Bock! GOLD!

He glanced down at my card. (We were all given cards to fill out with what we wanted David Sedaris to inscribe on our books. I had written: "To Ken and Lisa - Fabulous Parents.") He looked back up.

"So Ken and Lisa are your parents?" He asked.

I nodded. "Yep, this will be for my parents. My dad gave me the first book of yours I ever read. He said he'd heard you were funny, and since I loved comedy, I should read your books. And he was right."

"Well, that's awfully nice," said David. "Where do these fabulous parents of yours live?"

"Michigan," I said, beginning to fear I would have no opportunity to wow him with my punning abilities.

David: "Oh! Where in Michigan?"

Me: "A very small town. Very rural. Have you heard of Holly?"

David: "Nope. What happens there?"

Me: "Cows. Just kidding. I mean, there are a lot of cows. But there are also festivals. Obscure festivals."

David: "Obscure festivals? What sort of obscure festivals?"

Me: "Have you heard of the Michigan Renaissance Festival?"

David: "No."

Me: "Carrie A. Nation Abolitionist Festival?" * 

David: "No."

Me: "Dickens Christmas Street Festival?"

David: "No."

Me: "Well, then you wouldn't know Holly. Obscure festivals. That's the main draw."

David: "To be honest, the only thing I really know about Michigan is that one time, when I was there, I had some cheeseburger soup. It tasted like McDonald's cheeseburgers, ground up into soup, and it was delicious. Have you had it?"

Me: "No."

David: "Well, you should. It's really wonderful."

Me: "We clearly have very different Michigan insights. Obscure festivals, hamburger soup."

With a grin, he looked down and signed my book. I was pretty sure it was going to say, Ken and Lisa - Skip the obscure festivals and try the Hamburger Soup in Michigan! David.

Instead, it said this:

And that is the story of how - sans-puns, even! - I bedazzled David Sedaris.

(But hopefully next time I get a shot at some puns.) 

* Yes, that is an actual, highly-obscure festival that takes place where I grew up - or used to: sadly,  in 2010 it was discontinued due to lack of funding. Guess now there's one fewer obscure festival in Holly for no one to know about.